No. 11
YOUR nothingness
SOMEHOW I CONTRACTED THE CORONAVIRUS…
I still don’t know how it happened. I never thought I would get it and I never thought I would pass it onto others. I never thought that a virus would make me feel small and I never thought that feeling small could make me feel big.
Four or five days into quarantine, I came to the startling realization that I was happy. Not just happy, but the happiest I’ve been in three years. Imagine being startled by Your own happiness. What’s scariest to me though, were the days, weeks, and maybe even months that I spent feeling unhappy and lifeless without knowing that I was unhappy and lifeless. Or worse, subconsciously choosing to not do anything about it.
Quarantine equals ten days of utter bliss. Alone in my tiny studio apartment with no one to see. No one to see left me with no one to “be”. When You have no one to be, You have nothing to prove. You are You and that is all. That’s enough. All alone without the need to explain myself and I don’t have to hope that others will understand me. I understand myself. That’s enough. Alone in my tiny studio apartment, I believe in Love. I believe that it’s possible and that it’s beautiful. It isn’t one face, one voice, one name, or one person. It could be a hundred faces and voices and names. Love is also everything and it’s everywhere. Therefore, it’s not an area of my life I should avoid, be afraid of, or pretend to not care about. In my tiny studio apartment, I have hope and I trust time.
But those beliefs and that hope and trust only lasted ten days. I’ll never get those days back. Not in that form at least.
- By A.L.N.When the days came to a close, I thought I’d celebrate by re-introducing myself to the world with my new found sprit — my new eyes. I felt as if I were a child on the first day of a new school year. Anxious to leave the four walls that healed me and also excited and proud. I put on the outfit I was envisioning wearing for days prior. Wide-leg jeans, a button up shirt underneath a grey sweater paired with white sneakers and a beige trench coat. It was so special to me but when I stepped outside, it was meaningless.
It was raining out and it wasn’t the pretty rain. I knew it was going to rain but I didn’t think it would affect me so much. How could I think that the sun would recognize it was a unique day and therefore make an exception and shine for me? I went back inside to grab my umbrella, thinking “maybe this would make a difference”. But the only thing it did was make leaving harder because the world is a scary place and my tiny studio apartment isn’t.
It still rains and the trains are still delayed. Out there, a homeless druggie mistakes me for their “babygirl”. Out there, even my best friends hurt me. Out there, I despise myself because the Love I give to others is conditional no matter how much I try to model after God’s Love — “the most perfect Love that has ever existed”. I was reminded that I still have attachment issues and also reminded that there’s a person I’d really like to talk to but can’t because I don’t know them anymore. It had only been ten days, but the people in my life must have forgotten who I am because they question my intentions so much that I do too. Out there, no one else thinks I’m pretty besides my parents and marriage is only a lovely concept when it’s on T.V. Out there, You have to say goodbye to things and people. Out there, You think that walking fast is the only way to get where you’re going but when You slow down, You actually enjoy the trip.
Imagine that. Enjoying the trip instead of the destination.
This world gives the illusion of “everything”. We believe that it’s the world that has something to offer us. I don’t know if I believe that anymore because when I was alone in my tiny studio apartment, when I seemingly had nothing, is when I had the most.
Maybe having nothing is everything.
Yours and yours truly,
Ashley
