No. 8

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YOUR work

A DAY AFTER THE 1ST, MY LIFE WAS IN PIECES. OR AT LEAST IT SEEMED TO BE…

To anyone who also didn’t start the New Year on the best foot, I see you. To anyone who feels stuck right now, I understand. 

I spent weeks, maybe even months in anticipation for the end of 2020 though it was one of the most transformative years of my life thus far. It gave me time and space to search and find. It resulted in a deep awakening within my soul. That was only internally though, and it definitely wasn’t always pretty. Externally, it was an awful year. I don’t need to get into that because You know exactly what I’m talking about. Point is, I was looking forward to the end because I feel like so much was revealed and so much was given to me. But I see now that it was only given in the form of seeds. 

Being isolated from the world and being alone with myself for far longer than I wanted to be was a seed. I discovered the beautiful world of health and wellness. 

I saved a lot of money after months of hard-work and spent half of it on items I cannot name because I don’t remember them. Surely, this will sow a seed to work on patience and self-control.

I had about five-hundred meltdowns. A seed for learning how to mindfully expend my emotional energy. 

I looked in the mirror too many times and didn’t like what I saw (literally and metaphorically). The seed of being comfortable in my skin and believing in myself.

Some suppressed emotions have resurfaced and are sowing seeds of healing. 

Immature behavior born from a place of emotional anguish also calls for immense healing. 

Relationships changed. And I'm so thankful that they did because now in the ground are seeds of freedom and abundance.

If someone hands you a seed, what do you do? I think the obvious answer is to plant it in the ground. You plant Your seed, water the soil, and then wait. I have been given some seeds, they’ve been watered because it rained... a lot — now I wait. I wait for a garden that will be full of nourished plants and colorful flowers. But that’s the “inconvenience”. Waiting. It’s the hardest part.

“spring 1”

- By Maev Dunning

I made my resolutions for 2021 and even shared them on Instagram. Maybe in my head, that made them more real. For everyone else, January 1st appeared to be a day of hope. Some type of debut or something. For me, the days following the first were spent being at war with myself — full of anxiety. All alone in my room, hating the person I am. Regretting decisions and doubting my existence. 

I have some deep rooted emotional issues. I know that, I’ve acknowledged that, and I’m finding the balance between loving myself anyway and being better. How could I expect those issues to vanish just because it’s a New Year?

I don’t know, but I did. I guess I thought I’d wake up on the first of January as a new person with a new life. A better person and a better life. No baggage. 

I wrote the phrase, “I am becoming” awhile ago and I’m trying to remind myself of this Truth everyday.

I am becoming the version of the Me that I see in my head. I am becoming financially stable. I am becoming more mature. I am becoming full of love and light. But I guess I forgot all about it — the “becoming” part.

Sitting in my pity has always been my coping mechanism because it’s easier than trying to lead a better life. But I can’t lie, it can become exhausting. Days went by and I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for the time I was wasting. I even made a joke saying, “no one hates you like you hate yourself” Silly me! Nonetheless, finally and with gentleness, I let myself know: You are becoming. The idea — that phrase, it rested so naturally on my heart the way it found me with such little thought. Maybe I can be my own best friend after all. Well, I was quite startled when the phrase was then followed by the question: But did you expect to not have to do the Work to become?

Um what? How unsettling.

And that’s when it clicked. 

“The Work”

Yeah, “I cannot be if I do not become and the only way to become is to live” I’ve said that already. But what does living consist of? And what does it look like? 

It’s not always laughing and loving and singing and sunshine and flowers and warmth. Most of the time, we only get glimpses of those wonderful things. I want to be those things so that I don’t have to depend on anyone or anything else to simply “catch a glimpse” of them.

Be laughter, Be love, Be a song, Be sunshine, Be a flower, and Be be warmth.

The Me I am becoming moves freely because she’s comfortable. She is genuine and only moves from a place of intention and mindfulness. She has abundant peace — she has made peace with herself and the world and so others feel at peace around her. She is open all of the time and she believes in herself. 

I hope You know that the person you’re becoming is just as glorious.

But I’ve been told that we have Work to do. So I’m brought to answer the question:

What exactly is the Work?

The Wonderful Web (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary) says to Work, means “to perform or carry through a task requiring sustained effort or continuous repeated operations” Here’s what stands out to me: 

“Carry through”, “requires”, “sustained effort,”, and “repeated operation” 

To become, it’s going to take more than an awakening and more than a desire to change and be better. It’s going to require persistence. It’s going to require energy. It’s going to require that you continually “fail”. Basically, it will require Work. Without a doubt, if you’re open to becoming, You will be presented with opportunities that force You to do the Work — the Work that’s needed to become. So when You find yourself stuck in old ways of thinking, making decisions that You said You wouldn’t make again, engaging in toxicity and behavioral patterns that are unhelpful, it’s okay. It’s just an opportunity to do the Work.

Before I end this, I want to share my thoughts on how to initiate the Work. Disclaimer: I’m not sure what the Work will look like for You. That’s the beauty of it all. Maybe the “Work” is moving to an island where no face is recognizable to You…

Have You ever been in a situation or had a conversation with someone and they ask something like, “why do you think that?” or “why are you being like this?” How many times do You answer that question honestly? Is it harder to be honest with other people than to be honest with ourselves? Or is it that we are rarely honest with ourselves, therefore we cannot ever be fully honest with others? So many questions and I have absolutely no answers for them. Only ideas. 

I wonder what would happen if we started asking ourselves the questions that others ask us, and began to answer the questions. Not only answer, but then dissect the answers — pulling back every layer until we are left with raw Truth, even if it’s horrifying and easy to judge. I wonder what we would find. I also wonder how freeing it could be. That type of empowerment is almost dangerous. Life changes when You realize that You’re in control of Your own narrative. Is that intimidating to You? Is it hard to accept that kind of authority and accountability? More questions to answer. And I hope that You do answer them. Just like I will too.

Keep asking. Keep answering. Keep dissecting. Keep crying. Keep failing. Keep carrying through. Keep repeating. Keep operating. Keep initiating.

It’s all the Work.

Yours and yours truly,

Ashley