No. 7
YOUR present
WE’RE AT THE FINAL MONTH OF 2020, A YEAR I TRULY HAVE NO WORDS FOR…
I want to take a moment and express gratitude for everything that has brought me here, to my laptop where I type my thoughts and make them “readable” to people I know and don’t know. That’s something I’ll never get over and I feel so lucky to have such a special relationship with You, whoever You are.
Looking at where I started this year and where I’m ending, I couldn’t have dreamed of it and I’m not just talking about this platform. I’m talking about 2020. The not so big elephant in the room. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love and appreciate this year. But I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t glad that it’s coming to its end.
The phrase “new year, new me” has been something I’ve laughed at ever since I heard it. It’s so corny. It’s so Cliché. But I find myself craving something new. I’m so bored and I’m so comfortable that it’s making me uncomfortable. And that’s what I want to explore today. I want a new year and I want a new me more than I ever have.
And I find myself at the beginning of a new beginning. It’s a place I didn’t ask to be in, but I’m glad I’m here. I’m sure that for the rest of my life I’ll find myself in this place — a new beginning… but this is deeper than a Reset. I am starting over and re-building. I’ve accepted too much. I’ve normalized too many of my own habits. I’ve given too many excuses for my behavior. I’ve been so unkind to myself and the list goes. The list is actually so long that I don’t even know where to start. But I remind myself and You, that starting is all that matters. I’m choosing to start with the way I view myself, which I know will ultimately inform the way I view everything else in this sweet life.
“Saturday the 12th” - By A.L.N.Ever since I was younger, I’ve compared almost every element of my life to something else. I don’t know when it started, and I don’t know when it will end, if ever. I know that I want it to end and I know that I’ll try my hardest to make it end, but I’m not sure it’s something I can completely turn-off, but rather something I must learn to cope with and work through. I always tell myself, “when this happens, then i’ll be that”. I’ll say, “wait until I get this, then I’ll look like that”, or “when I do this, I’m gonna be just like that”. Recently, I heard my inner-voice reply and pose a different question: “Why can’t I be at peace with myself and where I’m at right now?”.
If you think about it, I’m really comparing myself… to myself. That’s something I think we need to talk about because I don’t know about You, but it feels like a constant battle between who I am and who I want to be. I see versions of myself but I think I forget that those versions of me, are still me. They aren’t this other person that I don’t know. It’s literally me. And that’s sort of thrilling but it is also supremely terrifying. Not only does it force me to hold myself accountable, but it gives me the option to truly live in the now — the Present, when dreaming of the future or mourning the past is so much easier.
The Present is the most important part of Your life and I’m daring You to believe that.
You don’t have to wait to “be that”. You are “that”, even if You can’t see it or feel like it now. Notice that you’re becoming and that you’re living. You deserve a life worth living, not just being. Not later, but right now.
Finding cohesion with every version of yourself — the past, the Present, the future, Your weak aura, and Your higher-self is the answer — the goal. And I think that belief and trust is the process to achieving that goal. Believe and trust in who You are at Your core.
I find inspiration in almost everything and it’s so easy to let that inspiration become something other than inspiration. Something so pure and lively becomes sorrowful. I begin to feel jealousy or disappointment in who I am. We live in a culture where we have been groomed to standardize certain behaviors and feelings. In other words, no matter who I’ve followed or unfollowed, my Instagram feed really isn’t my “happy place” and my Pinterest mood-boards have become less of manifestation and more of an unhealthy obsession/fixation.
At first I thought it was outward because that’s the more appetizing answer — it’s always easier than looking within. I can put the blame on social media, celebrities, and culture, but I don’t think it’s the full problem. I think those kinds of things are merely what arouses the problem.
Sure, if we didn’t have access to some of the things that make us question and doubt who we are and what we look like, maybe we wouldn’t notice how unhappy we are. But the word “notice” is important because if we don’t notice something that’s there, then we would just be blind.
I fully understand that we live in a fast-moving, technologically advanced, and media dependent society. I understand that its emotional and psychological damage has been devastating and swept under the rug for far too long. But what’s done is done and it’s not our fault that we were placed in such a time. We cannot unsee what we’ve seen, but we can try and unlearn what we’ve learned and give back the norms we’ve accepted. I want to keep noticing… I don’t want to be blind anymore, even if ignorance is bliss. Perhaps you’d like to be ignorant and if so, that’s okay. But I want to try and not choose ignorance going forward.
This year, I learned that if I were some other person, I probably wouldn’t wanna be with or around me much. I learned that I don’t want to be with or around me much, but I’m stuck. Congratulations! You’re stick with You, too. And thank God we’re stuck. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t want to be anyone else.
I am sending nothing but warmth and love Your way. I am wishing You all the strength and command on Your journey to living with the knowledge of who You are and what You’re becoming. On the horizon is a new year, but here’s to the Present.
Yours and yours truly,
Ashley
