No. 14
YOUR inside
GROWING UP, I DIDN’T THINK I WAS BEAUTIFUL…
It was less of a thought and more of a belief. I didn’t think I was inherently ugly. At least not all of the time. Somedays, I could feel beautiful… or think that I looked beautiful. But I didn’t believe that I was. I’ve dealt with this limiting belief for most of my life.
Back in early September, I spent twenty minutes trying on different outfits. That’s an alarming amount of time dedicated to getting dressed in the morning. The feeling of frustration grew and grew as I couldn’t find anything that “worked”.
All at once, I got an overwhelming feeling — a slight internal whisper that said, “none of these clothes feel like me”. It shook me to my core. Now I had to answer the question, “then who am I?”
The evolution I’ve undergone in the last year and a half has lead me to the version of myself that I wanted to be. I’ve talked about “shedding layers” and even of losing friends — typical aftermath of any evolvement. But there have been other physical manifestations of my transformation that I didn’t expect to struggle with. The clothes in my closet, the hair on my head, and the face I will forever be stuck with.
What are you supposed to do when you feel brand new but everything around you or on you, feels wrong?
I had never been that physically uncomfortable with myself. So I did the only thing that made sense at the moment. Hide.
When washing my hands after using the bathroom, I didn’t look in the mirror. I also kept the lights as dim as possible. And sure, you can get rid of clothes and buy new ones that reflect a new version of you. You can keep straightening your hair and tell yourself the reason is because, “it’s just easier to manage”. Even though that’s a lie. You can wear makeup and believe the many more lies you use to ease the truth.
There’s nothing wrong with new clothes, straight hair, or makeup. The issue is that these devices are being used as a cover. At the end of the day, when you must remove the cover, what are you left with? Nothing but the discomfort you’re running away from.
Completely exhausted from all that running, I asked myself, “If I do not have the right face, or the right clothes and hair, what do I have?”
The only answer I could think of, was the inside. My inside.
It’s a devastatingly simple truth and such an enlightening reality.
“Far in” - By A.L.N.
“Further in”- By A.L.N.All of these aspects — clothes, hair, and facial features, have been associated with the term “beauty”. They are external and therefore, can be taken away. I don’t want to continue using this word to express a societally misconstrued idea.
So when I had to ask myself, “who am I?”, I didn’t know how to answer because the question is not “who” but “what”.
I know who I am.
What I am, is beautiful despite how I look. I’m beautiful because the inside of me is. This soul and this heart of mine that I’m cherishing, taking care of, learning and learning from, is beautiful.
And so is Yours.
It’s the stunning dirt deep within that makes us who we are. The desires and secrets you have as well as the music that only you can hear. It’s the reasons you smile and feel inclined to dance at times. It’s why you’re drawn to certain colors and scents.
If you’ve been hiding, I’m sorry. Most of the people in this world are hiding. Even if it’s behind something very small. Let this encourage you to throw away what you hide behind and trust that what’s inside of you is stronger, brighter, and more true.
You deserve to be seen that way.
Yours And Yours Truly,
Ashley
